10-31-2015, 11:01 PM
The problem of the addressed, aye. The "him" is God: caps could work to my advantage, there. As for the rest, the addressed never changes up until the last stanza of the third section, where the comments of the mortal god becomes directed to himself, but I suppose that should be clarified. Thanks!
(10-29-2015, 07:55 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: While I really don't have the energy to do much of a critique, to do it justice, I do want to say that I
like the poem; and that, to me, it's a logical poem with creative allusions that reads unambiguously.
One thing I did have a problem with was keeping track of who was being addressed.
Especially that third line from the end: "There is nothing to him but fear".
Recognizing Hobbes' famous term "mortal god" in the title (anyone not familiar can Google:
> Hobbes Thomas Leviathan "mortal god" < and find out) probably made the rest of the
poem more accessible to me. And while it seems the poem would make sense to someone
lacking that knowledge, I can't unlearn it to find that out for sure.
This is a poem that you probably put a lot of work into, or at least it reads that way to me.
I was moved by its heroic scale.
I especially liked:
" Like the fungus
flowering on a lion's body,
one's creation
becomes the canvas of another."
" This is Daniel's dream:
the lion's roar, the voice of kings. "
" I was leaning against the darkness
before this mess. "
" has a smile
painted on his face
even as he drowns. "
" after the kingdoms come the judgments,
the echoes, the reflections-- "
" There are no lions
in the new world. Only ants
scattered across avenues of ash, "
Much appreciated,
Ray