The Basket Falls, edit 1.5 (ray, ella)

[ellajam]

Hi, River, I wish you had left the original because now there is only ray's numbered version to read, great for critiquing but a little distracting for a straight read and that's what I want to do, I wasn't done with it.

I'm not a fan of some of the changes.  I liked the strength of stench. I don't like the sonics of reek but funk is an interesting word that brings multiple meanings. But I like stench.

I prefer the sonics of "could" to "would" and the dreaminess of L1 supported the meaning. Some notes below.

THE BASKET FALLS

To sing the songs of summer's lurid dyes,
And be yourself in groves of would-have-beens;
To learn to love the smell of waking lies, A beautiful opening three lines, IMO better in the original.
Then dream of naked girls on picture screens--An interesting change from dreaminess to fantasy.
The flower basket falls. They said it's truth Not a fan of "they said it's truth" who are they and why do I care?
To cast away the rosy you and I, Not a fan of the sonics of "rosy you", though I think you need rose, maybe the rose of you and I.
It's life to lose the lenses and review Lovely line.
The burning sun and blackened earth with eyes
Of humble blindness: how they mocked the way! Possibly mock.
We gathered still the roses of the tree,
And though our lusts denied us time to pray,
We kept our eyes on immortality--
The hawthorn's blooms are false. It comes to this:
Our naked, burned-out souls, a fatal kiss.

[Quick note: see below posts for originals]

I've been enjoying this one, thanks for posting it.