The Basket Falls, edit 1.5 (ray, ella)

[RiverNotch]

Just call it "Sonnet 155" and be done with it.  
But, really, sonnets don't have to have titles.
Or, grand tradition here, just list the first line.

Or, maybe: "The Basket Falls"

1 "," at end.

2 A nit, but I'd kind of like "would-have-beens".
  And the end needs a ";" not a ","

3 I really hate "stench", there has to be a better word.
 Needs "," at end.

9 The ":" should be a "--" (see comment on 9 below)

14 "naked, burned-out souls <- note comma and dash

Such a wonderfully "florid" sonnet; cock-full of
proper retro-hyperbole.
Given this, it cries out to have capitals at the
beginning of each line. Can't do one without the other.

Love the two commentaries that come after the "--" 's
On line 9 that "how they mocked the way!" should be one as well.

Ray

Noted. I like that suggestion; changing it.
Punctuation edits noted. Changing, except for 9: see note below.
I can't entirely see the full significance of "would-have-beens" over "could-have-beens", but I'll still change it. The only reason I chose one over the other is because I distinctly remember some poem using the phrase, but I don't remember what the poem is (and that really annoys me).
Stench: noted. Suggestion? It is a good deal too harsh, I guess, and though the harshness is good as a contrast for what was just detailed, it is too ungraceful for anything -- Maybe try to tie it to the general theme of sight, and, well, use "sight"? But I'm going with the slightly meeker "smell", for now, just to not make the image-movement to the next line too discontinuous.
Aye for the capitals.

Line 9: It could be, but it isn't, because that line deals with a sort of different thing. Note the tense for that, the preceding, and the succeeding clauses; further note the way, the truth, and the life. But maybe there's a better way to integrate that...