10-30-2015, 01:49 AM
FLOWER BASKET
01 To sing the songs of summer's lurid dyes
02 and be yourself in groves of could-have-beens,
03 to learn to love the stench of waking lies
04 then dream of naked girls on picture screens--
05 the flower basket falls. They said it's truth
06 to cast away the rosy you and I,
07 it's life to lose the lenses and review
08 the burning sun and blackened earth with eyes
09 of humble blindness: how they mocked the way!
10 We gathered still the roses of the tree,
11 and though our lusts denied us time to pray,
12 we kept our eyes on immortality--
13 the hawthorn's blooms are false. It comes to this:
14 our naked burned out souls, a fatal kiss.
Just call it "Sonnet 155" and be done with it.
But, really, sonnets don't have to have titles.
Or, grand tradition here, just list the first line.
Or, maybe: "The Basket Falls"
1 "," at end.
2 A nit, but I'd kind of like "would-have-beens".
And the end needs a ";" not a ","
3 I really hate "stench", there has to be a better word.
Needs "," at end.
9 The ":" should be a "--" (see comment on 9 below)
14 "naked, burned-out souls <- note comma and dash
Such a wonderfully "florid" sonnet; cock-full of
proper retro-hyperbole.
Given this, it cries out to have capitals at the
beginning of each line. Can't do one without the other.
Love the two commentaries that come after the "--" 's
On line 9 that "how they mocked the way!" should be one as well.
Ray
01 To sing the songs of summer's lurid dyes
02 and be yourself in groves of could-have-beens,
03 to learn to love the stench of waking lies
04 then dream of naked girls on picture screens--
05 the flower basket falls. They said it's truth
06 to cast away the rosy you and I,
07 it's life to lose the lenses and review
08 the burning sun and blackened earth with eyes
09 of humble blindness: how they mocked the way!
10 We gathered still the roses of the tree,
11 and though our lusts denied us time to pray,
12 we kept our eyes on immortality--
13 the hawthorn's blooms are false. It comes to this:
14 our naked burned out souls, a fatal kiss.
Just call it "Sonnet 155" and be done with it.
But, really, sonnets don't have to have titles.
Or, grand tradition here, just list the first line.
Or, maybe: "The Basket Falls"
1 "," at end.
2 A nit, but I'd kind of like "would-have-beens".
And the end needs a ";" not a ","
3 I really hate "stench", there has to be a better word.
Needs "," at end.
9 The ":" should be a "--" (see comment on 9 below)
14 "naked, burned-out souls <- note comma and dash
Such a wonderfully "florid"
sonnet; cock-full ofproper retro-hyperbole.
Given this, it cries out to have capitals at the
beginning of each line. Can't do one without the other.
Love the two commentaries that come after the "--" 's
On line 9 that "how they mocked the way!" should be one as well.
Ray
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions