That sombrous song

[BW BRINE]

Hey everyone,

This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).


THAT SOMBROUS SONG

He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on,               --this is the strongest line in the first stanza because it creates a rhythm with the alliteration used "long-lost, languish on"
the highest notes too faint to hear          and starts you off with a solid opening to the rest of your poem. I would like to see the second line of each stanza have 
within that sombrous song.                     some form of alliteration included. Doing so would offer up a very strong piece both in terms of visual and sonic 
                                                               interpretation. I would either try to incorporate into each stanza or remove it from the first. 
The ringing tones of Christmas bells     -- the inclusion of christmas seems arbitrary. care to explain?
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally                --Maybe i'm strange, but i think "finally" is really pushing a thin line to reach your syllable count and rhythm
repel that sombrous song.                      while in actuality it is a 3 syllable word, most will read it as 2. I know i did the first few times reading this and it
                                                               greatly distracted me. 
He swings the hammer with his arm 
to keep the ringing on,                         --i'm wondering if there is another way to continue the rhyming scheme without using "on, and song in each 
but with the force he broke the bell         stanza as your rhyming device. I'm all for repetition but this begins to be a bit too repetitive and really sticks out. 
and stopped the vict'ry song.               

The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time         --this is a bit choppy maybe change to "and almost always finds the time" 
to sing that sombrous song.
                                                            -- i'm curious, what is the sombrous song, and what are you referring to. Maybe i'm missing something. 
-BW BRINE

Thanks for your response.

As tecktak said, too, the on/song rhyme gets tedious and becomes forced throughout. Again, I guess the reason for me saying it wasn't complete was because I wanted those lines to be the "central" themes to the poem, and then have other verses (I'm calling them that because I want this to be almost chanted) where that rhyme doesn't appear, while still holding the meter. That way it might not get too old too quickly, and it would be kind of like a calling back to the sombrous song - you forget about it, go about your day, but at some point realize it's been droning on the whole time.

Christmas, basically, I wanted a happy time that was associated with bells, I suppose that's a part that I would like to elaborate on with the other verses.

The sombrous song itself is not any song in particular, but rather the feeling/idea/being of somber. The idea is it's this background thing that follows you no matter where you go, no matter what you do. It represents pain, gloom, grimness, etc.

-BW