The Lyme Grove

[tectak]

I am finding this one tricky. I want to tell a personal story which is then making it hard for me to be effective in self-editing. It may be that it just does not work, so any thoughts and feedback would be very useful at this point. Thanks!


The Lyme Grove
 
"Lock me up", her eyes
Held out wrists upturned
As my arms built a prison
That would never hold her.
With faces pressed to bars
In a gate set in stone;
The perimeter of our world
Of thirty metres square.
 
Here is far as we can go.
 
Had she asked, I'd have lied
It was honour that stopped
Us unpicking locks, vulnerable
To trespass and escape from within
Yet four hands never rose
To rattle the cage and dare the bolt
To wriggle free
So hinges might groan in condonance.
 
Behind us voices
Teased tiny promises
Singing lies of summer
That might yet last
For a moment we clutched
But blood once-fired quickly cools
Until only gooseflesh
And clock hands point skyward
 
So the breakout failed
And we died at the gate
Avoiding the gaze
Of a blind horizon.
With friendship uncertain
On paths not walked before us
Our inaction cultured
A creeping infection.
 
Without admitting
Defeat we retreated
A slow march, conjuring
From our mouths masks
Of rationality; each ensuring
The other was watertight
While denying the sink-
Holes opening in our chests.
 
We returned home to tame fires
Burning in our hearths
And those who love us simply.
Comfort. Survival. No blaze
Like the summer we sought
And froze upon finding
For the fall comes quickly in those woods
And frost bites harder than any we've known.

Hello,
I rather like this and that makes it likely that any "bits" which niggle I will find overly-irritating....as if they shouldn't be allowed to spoil the work. So. Stop capitalising every line BECAUSE (you will ask ) it is retro, confusing and pseudo-poetic. What's more, it niggles. Next...read the piece OUT LOUD to hear where it disappears into a Klein Bottle. Example.
"Lock me up", her eyes Held out wrists upturned As my arms built a prison That would never hold her.

This is a crazy sentence on many levels. It NEEDS punctuation to make sense. You can "feel" where the pauses must fall if you just voice the words. Neither line breaks not capital letters substitute for punctuation so look at it again.

Unpicking locks might be semantically clever but I cannot see it...I have lost a little confidence in your dexterity. No matter...I can be argued with. Tell me what "unpicking" a lock means.
Gooseflesh pointing skywards is similarly hard to accept when I am not sure that you are surer. I want to think it is my failure to "see" what you see but console myself with the thought that it may be YOUR inadequate ability to write comprehensibly. I hope I am wrong.

Perimeters are measured in metres not square metres. I know you know this but it is an awkward statement. It niggles not because it is a mathematical absurdity, heaven forbid, but because it is an error of intent....and it weakens my trust in your judgement. The fact that the whole thing breaks in to fragmented sentences compounds the issue.

here is AS far as we can go....

Condonance? Not sure. Are you? The act of forgiving....hmmmm.

Yes to the wholeness of it, though. I think that I may be asking too much at once but that is the nature of crit in a tight place. It all seems to be crowded together. The punctuation issues, the expression of dubious intent, the bizarre capitalising and consequentially awkward line breaks, the uncertainty in exactitude (hmmm....that word "condonance" is getting to me. I am thinking "compliance". I can't help it)...all of the afforementioned detracts from what is  after all, a nicely observed piece. This is well worth working on. If you want it moved to Serious just say so.  
Best,
tectak