Murder Scene

[love apollon]

Murder Scene

I heard the scream as it leapt for me.
                                                                           --Both of these lines could be condensed. I like the metaphor and imagery you're trying to use but 
The jaguar from the gullet of a young                    the Rhythm becomes muddied in wordiness
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan          something like "I heard it as it leapt for me, like a jaguar from the gullet of a young woman."
forest behind it.

I did not hear the knife as it parted                      -- I really dig how your painting this murder scene but the impact is yet again being lost to wordiness.
her breast bone from her body.                             Something like "I did not hear the knife as it parted her breast bone from her body, nor did i see the
                                                                              lifeless limping of the murderer's smile. I only heard the scream. 
I did not see the lifeless limping of the
murderer's smile.

I only heard the scream.

I longed to hear that vile exoticism again,           --I can see that you're trying to illustrate some sexual gratification the murder is getting from killing
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released                this woman but i don't know that it is necessarily impactful in the way that you want it to be. I think
unto the night like a loveless man releases             what distracts me is the simile you use "...like a loveless man releases his loveless seed into his gaunt   his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues.                  tissues
                                                                            this to me implies necrophilia when i don't know if that's necessarily what you are trying to imply.
                                                                            removing this line will allow this sentence to flow into the next one with a more desirable rhythm. 
I longed to feel that throbbing scream
below my parted hands, and to draw blood       
down between my palms.

Like a painter I'd carve my victims nicely,          --I don't know if this line is necessary and I spent a few moments reading back to myself from the 
with a smile or a crescent on their back.               vile exoticism line to the end with and without this line and i personally find it to be unecessary to the 
                                                                           overarching story plot. " I would not be evil as i parted their bodie(s) (use a plural form because you 
I would not be evil as I parted their body              are referring to several victims) from their woes of living. I would be their God, their emancipator." is 
from its woes of living.                                          a very solid ending

I would be their God,
their emancipator.

I remember the scream so                               -- finishing with "I remember the scream so fondly." seems more abrupt and startling than the line you
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on.           constructed but I may be nit picking there. Possibly removing this entire line and ending with the                                                                                      above would paint the blood mania you're going for a bit more hauntingly. 

                                                            



Overall i found this to be a good read, you definitely have some great ideas going.