10-26-2015, 04:42 PM
i sort of get the title and the reason for it, i get the first two lines and see their relationship to the title the 3rd line eludes me enough to feel like i lost track of the poem. the last two lines work though an inconsolable joy sounds too abstract and in need of more definition. the yet in time line sort of defines the poem for me, when it right, it's right and knowing that makes one happy. the 2nd line is my fave and gives me an image of a moon going round a planet going round a star; metaphorically speaking. i don't think you need the caps or the commas. question: is 7|8 7 beats to the bar?
(10-26-2015, 07:06 AM)AshleighWood Wrote: My first attempt in the open air so I'm really interested in feedback!
En Passant in 7/8
We danced,
An orbital elliptic,
Asymptotically feral,
Yet in time,
The heart meters,
An inconsolable joy.