10-26-2015, 08:27 AM
hello,
i can't resist a chess reference... and one coupled with a time signature... i had to read this one.
i can't resist a chess reference... and one coupled with a time signature... i had to read this one.
(10-26-2015, 07:06 AM)AshleighWood Wrote: My first attempt in the open air so I'm really interested in feedback!sorry, i had to stop. i just cannot penetrate this one. there feels like an idea here concerning music and chess, but, to me, it seems like a bit of a word association game, rather than a poem - a word jumble, at best. i am sorry, again, that i couldn't give more feedback, but i cannot seem to make a lick of sense of this poem.
En Passant in 7/8 - i like the title.
We danced,
An orbital elliptic, - you seem to be using two adjective without a noun. or, are you using 'elliptic' as a noun. but i don't know why. wouldn't 'elliptic orbit' be better?
Asymptotically feral, - yeah, see, i do not get that, either as a line or in conjunction with the previous lines. these two words do not seem to go together at all.
Yet in time, - apart from the fact that i have completely lost it by this point, i really think you should look at punctuating this a little more accurately - it might help :/
The heart meters, - er... meters as a verb?
An inconsolable joy. - mmm...