10-24-2015, 08:56 PM
[quote='Alexearth' pid='197365' dateline='1443014644']
The season, finally
Slumps, and in the tender light (moving 'slumps' thus makes the first line line build up and slump, so to speak. 'Tender light' is a good phrase for this poem)
Behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses; ('Tired' - why tired? Sure, the season's slumping but why would that tire out our couples having a drink? Who or what are they glancing at - each other? Or at the tender light behind the pane? This line needs to be replaced by something else)
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches, (if our couples are indoors, how can they be in the tender light behind the pane?)
and fade away on a warm brass note. (what fade(s) away? the couples? the season? it has slumped, and now it's fading away on a warm brass note? The musical metaphor would work if introduced at the start and reinforced here, else it's just loose and half-hearted. Again, this line needs to be replaced).
[\quote]
Has potential, but will need a few more iterations.
The season, finally
Slumps, and in the tender light (moving 'slumps' thus makes the first line line build up and slump, so to speak. 'Tender light' is a good phrase for this poem)
Behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses; ('Tired' - why tired? Sure, the season's slumping but why would that tire out our couples having a drink? Who or what are they glancing at - each other? Or at the tender light behind the pane? This line needs to be replaced by something else)
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches, (if our couples are indoors, how can they be in the tender light behind the pane?)
and fade away on a warm brass note. (what fade(s) away? the couples? the season? it has slumped, and now it's fading away on a warm brass note? The musical metaphor would work if introduced at the start and reinforced here, else it's just loose and half-hearted. Again, this line needs to be replaced).
[\quote]
Has potential, but will need a few more iterations.