10-22-2015, 05:31 PM
00 In 8995 days
01
02 No friends.
03 One abortion.
04 Two sexual partners.
05 But full of steadfast drive,
06 usually.
07 Desperately deceiving consciousness,
08 but often failing
09 in believing that prophecy.
10 The prophet prophesied
11 leading a revolution,
12 a superabundance of respect,
13 many admirers,
14 but most importantly,
15 Greatness.
16 Converted two souls to the faith.
17 Now though, an atheist.
18 An atheist without any friends
19 without any admirers
20 and one abortion.
21
22 No resolve.
23
24 The prophecy is not true.
I like this a lot. My remarks are made assuming that the day count starts at birth.
If it started much later... they would be a bit different.
Line 00 - While using days as the unit of time emphasizes the subjective enormity of
the time that has passed, the impatience, the despair, the compulsive attention paid
to the passage of time; it also creates a pause while the reader pulls up a calculator
app and divides 8995 by 365.25 to get 24.6 . It also seems a bit cute. That said, it
did get my attention, got me to read the poem. So, yes, on the whole the title works
well. Maybe it should be "24 years" (as 25 conveys the feel of approximation, something
this poem would wish to avoid) ? No, you're right, "8995" is best.
2-3 good
4 Not sure this line adds that much, I think 3 pretty much covers this topic
5 Should omit "steadfast", but if you do you end up with a cliché. So keep the meaning,
but rephrase the line.
6 Omit. 8 does 6's work; 6 is unnecessary and decreases the impact of having 7 directly follow 5.
7 Unclear, needs rephrasing. Did you mean to say your protagonist was desperately deceiving
herself/himself?
8 Good
9 Shouldn't "that prophecy" be "the prophecy" so it leads into 10-15 that give the prophecy?
If so, you should separate 9 and 10 with a blank line, start a new stanza.
Otherwise, you need to clarify what you mean by that first "prophecy".
10-15 "The prophecy" - these need paring down. The prophet foretold leading a revolution,
gaining respect, admiration, greatness. Keep it short. Maybe do it first person: "The prophet
told me..."
Separate 15 and 16 with a blank line, start a new stanza.
16-20 These are wonderful lines, the heart of the poem. The beginning of the poem exists to
lead us to these; they are the poem's true end.
16 -17 Great!
18 Omit "any"
19 Omit "any"
20 Great!
21-24 Omit these. What more do they really tell us? Readers are smart (well, the ones you
want to attract are), they don't need a summation.
But whatever you do, keep 16-20. Truly wonderful.
01
02 No friends.
03 One abortion.
04 Two sexual partners.
05 But full of steadfast drive,
06 usually.
07 Desperately deceiving consciousness,
08 but often failing
09 in believing that prophecy.
10 The prophet prophesied
11 leading a revolution,
12 a superabundance of respect,
13 many admirers,
14 but most importantly,
15 Greatness.
16 Converted two souls to the faith.
17 Now though, an atheist.
18 An atheist without any friends
19 without any admirers
20 and one abortion.
21
22 No resolve.
23
24 The prophecy is not true.
I like this a lot. My remarks are made assuming that the day count starts at birth.
If it started much later... they would be a bit different.
Line 00 - While using days as the unit of time emphasizes the subjective enormity of
the time that has passed, the impatience, the despair, the compulsive attention paid
to the passage of time; it also creates a pause while the reader pulls up a calculator
app and divides 8995 by 365.25 to get 24.6 . It also seems a bit cute. That said, it
did get my attention, got me to read the poem. So, yes, on the whole the title works
well. Maybe it should be "24 years" (as 25 conveys the feel of approximation, something
this poem would wish to avoid) ? No, you're right, "8995" is best.
2-3 good
4 Not sure this line adds that much, I think 3 pretty much covers this topic
5 Should omit "steadfast", but if you do you end up with a cliché. So keep the meaning,
but rephrase the line.
6 Omit. 8 does 6's work; 6 is unnecessary and decreases the impact of having 7 directly follow 5.
7 Unclear, needs rephrasing. Did you mean to say your protagonist was desperately deceiving
herself/himself?
8 Good
9 Shouldn't "that prophecy" be "the prophecy" so it leads into 10-15 that give the prophecy?
If so, you should separate 9 and 10 with a blank line, start a new stanza.
Otherwise, you need to clarify what you mean by that first "prophecy".
10-15 "The prophecy" - these need paring down. The prophet foretold leading a revolution,
gaining respect, admiration, greatness. Keep it short. Maybe do it first person: "The prophet
told me..."
Separate 15 and 16 with a blank line, start a new stanza.
16-20 These are wonderful lines, the heart of the poem. The beginning of the poem exists to
lead us to these; they are the poem's true end.
16 -17 Great!
18 Omit "any"
19 Omit "any"
20 Great!
21-24 Omit these. What more do they really tell us? Readers are smart (well, the ones you
want to attract are), they don't need a summation.
But whatever you do, keep 16-20. Truly wonderful.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions