That sombrous song

[BW BRINE]

Hey everyone,

This poem isn't intended to be complete, as I wanted to add several more verses to fully describe the story (hopefully the main points will be obvious from what I post so far).


THAT SOMBROUS SONG

He whispers softly of his loves
which, long-lost, languish on,
the highest notes too faint to hear
within that sombrous song.

The ringing tones of Christmas bells
will cheer the victors on,
in hopes that they can finally
repel that sombrous song.

He swings the hammer with his arm
to keep the ringing on,
but with the force he broke the bell
and stopped the vict'ry song.

The world, he knows, will never sleep,
but always carries on,
and seems it always finds the time
to sing that sombrous song.

-BW BRINE

Hi BW,
Well, as far as it goes it goeth well... but I am not sure that you can sustain concept, context or concentration for any more "verses" than you have  already, with unmiraculously contrived  couplets ending "on-song" split in to four lines for added interest...I mean, it just doesn't lend itself to serious extrapolation no matter what you put  between on and song. As a personal challenge I have to admire the/your effrontery but apart from that dubious surface kudos, you must admit it is lacking somewhat in depth. I am not saying that it has NO depth, just that it  never gets any deeper than my fetlocks...and that is a pity because you make some headway in to metaphor. The plangent bell is a  great auditory "image" which by its  very duality can be significantly worthy...if you could relieve yourself of the imposed stricture of a tightly  bonded (pointless?) rhyme scheme you could produce something quite potent. Please note that I make this  crit based upon your threat of more to come...as it is, it is enough....but I would leave "that" out of the title. It may work for that old black magic, but not for a relatively unknown sombrous song.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectak,

Thanks for the reply!

I agree with what you're saying entirely. Do you think if I didn't adhere to the (admittedly) pointless repetition of the on-song rhyme, that I could build on those metaphors you mentioned? Or do you think it's better off to pitch the current work and start anew?

-BW