10-14-2015, 03:12 PM
Hello ohkshea,
Thanks for the poem. I like the general plot, definitely something I can identify with. I also like how the lines steadily decrease in syllable count as the poem progresses(though I wish it wouldnt have been so back and forth). The execution comes off as a bit lacking. The lack of punctuation and capitalization of each line is a bit confusing. It seems a bit strange to start the first two lines with end rhymes and have literally no other rhymes in the rest of the poem. The two end rhymes, along with most of the content feels a tad cliche and forced. Certain words might contribute to this, the redundacy seems deliberate but doesn't have the effect you intended. The "wrong was I" line just comes off a little too yoda-y. I think you have something you really felt the need to express, Id encourage you to perhaps take a step back and ponder on the true feeling you wish to convey with this poem. I feel it, like I said however its the execution thats lost in this one. Good luck, and thanks for the poem again.
Mike
Thanks for the poem. I like the general plot, definitely something I can identify with. I also like how the lines steadily decrease in syllable count as the poem progresses(though I wish it wouldnt have been so back and forth). The execution comes off as a bit lacking. The lack of punctuation and capitalization of each line is a bit confusing. It seems a bit strange to start the first two lines with end rhymes and have literally no other rhymes in the rest of the poem. The two end rhymes, along with most of the content feels a tad cliche and forced. Certain words might contribute to this, the redundacy seems deliberate but doesn't have the effect you intended. The "wrong was I" line just comes off a little too yoda-y. I think you have something you really felt the need to express, Id encourage you to perhaps take a step back and ponder on the true feeling you wish to convey with this poem. I feel it, like I said however its the execution thats lost in this one. Good luck, and thanks for the poem again.
Mike