Never Reaching the End
#12
(10-08-2015, 05:31 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  
(09-16-2015, 10:47 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I heard she grew up to marry Maybe remove up?
a short glass of white milk kind of guy, Maybe remove "white"? We don't normally think of chocolate milk for this, do we?
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples[period? Don't see the point of removing them, with the caps, colons, commas and all, but then it is "never reaching the end"....]
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose

Love the food porn. "Short glass of milk" speaks loads, both in its bluntness and its, er, whiteness. "Edible nipples" too blunt for the situation: would suggest more sensuously concrete reference, say, Nipples of Venus (Italian dessert, also Amadeus reference)? "Small beads of sweat from my nose" is sensuous in sound, but not really in taste: would make it as sweet as all the rest, maybe...well, what else is slurped, sweet, going in beads, and from part of a man's body? You've already fresh tits here anyway.

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before With the help of Google, I think I catch the reference (band?), but I don't get it, nor do I want to right now. Well, here's an end. The sensational first stanza too easily beats everything else for me, especially this end. Maybe add bits more.
The poem won't work if you had to google the band. But thanks anyway.

(10-08-2015, 08:37 PM)ronsaik Wrote:  Didn't quite like it from ahhhh, you onwards...but some suggested changes...

(09-16-2015, 10:47 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I heard she went and married
a short glass of white milk kind of guy.
But back when she was in my arms
pink tulip skin,  rosebud nipples
She would rub her curls against my neck,
Lick small beads of sweat from my nose

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you

The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before
A change w/o a reason doesn't do much for me. But thanks anyway.
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Messages In This Thread
Never Reaching the End - by 71degrees - 09-16-2015, 10:47 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by shemthepenman - 09-16-2015, 11:29 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by underthewronghat - 09-17-2015, 07:27 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by Mark A Becker - 09-17-2015, 09:12 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by Jezie - 09-17-2015, 11:37 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by 71degrees - 09-23-2015, 12:22 PM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by skadragon - 09-30-2015, 03:58 PM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by 71degrees - 10-06-2015, 11:30 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by ellajam - 09-30-2015, 11:01 PM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by RiverNotch - 10-08-2015, 05:31 PM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by 71degrees - 10-13-2015, 11:20 AM
RE: Never Reaching the End - by Achebe - 10-08-2015, 08:37 PM



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