10-11-2015, 04:52 PM
01 At the end of the day
02 When the sun goes down
03 There is a hush of silence
04 Swept through the town
05
06 The air weighs heavy
07 As heart do the same
08 Adults as well as children
09 Dare not speak his name
10
11 Now is the time to turn in
12 Now is the time for sleep
13 Now is also the time
14 For the sandman to creep
15
16 If he so chooses
17 He'll take you away
18 Or he'll show mercy
19 And you'll live another day
20
21 When you awaken
22 You find sand in your eye
23 "Thank God", you say
24 "He past me by"
1-2 Yes, the sun does go down at the end of the day... but surely there's a better way to express this.
3 The logic of " hush of silence" is strained.
3-4 Grammar fault.
7 Grammar fault.
9 Cliché.
If the poem is supposed to consist of anapestic feet, there are many lines that don't scan properly.
The Sandman is usually considered to be a being who brings about sleep and good dreams.
In this poem she/he seems to have been confused with the Grim Reaper.
02 When the sun goes down
03 There is a hush of silence
04 Swept through the town
05
06 The air weighs heavy
07 As heart do the same
08 Adults as well as children
09 Dare not speak his name
10
11 Now is the time to turn in
12 Now is the time for sleep
13 Now is also the time
14 For the sandman to creep
15
16 If he so chooses
17 He'll take you away
18 Or he'll show mercy
19 And you'll live another day
20
21 When you awaken
22 You find sand in your eye
23 "Thank God", you say
24 "He past me by"
1-2 Yes, the sun does go down at the end of the day... but surely there's a better way to express this.
3 The logic of " hush of silence" is strained.
3-4 Grammar fault.
7 Grammar fault.
9 Cliché.
If the poem is supposed to consist of anapestic feet, there are many lines that don't scan properly.
The Sandman is usually considered to be a being who brings about sleep and good dreams.
In this poem she/he seems to have been confused with the Grim Reaper.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions