My Fear

[ellajam]

I don't think you need to wait for "next time". If this is something you want to work with you could read the critiques for clues on how to edit or rewrite this and take another swing at it.

No.... it is what is now. I wouldn't have posted it if otherwise. I'd rather let it stay what it was meant to be and try out what other people suggest in an entirely new thought.

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An elderly man

On a park bench he ponders

Just why he's sitting alone

And his mind wanders

He remembers days past

Now his lifes history

But why he's alone

Is still quite the mystery

He knows his heart is grand

And overflows with love

Yet still no companion

No angel from above

He'll feed his winged friends

And watch the children play

And wonder what a family does

At the end of its day

Hearing voices throughout the house

Family dinner made with care

He yearns to know what that's like

But life is often unfair

He's lived life with love

Showed nothing but kindness

Yet still no beauty to adore

As 20/20 sight turns to blindness

Inside he is so alone

Angry from a wasted life

Tears sometimes escape

Wanting children and a wife

But alone he shall die

No one at his side

Never becoming a father

And never taking a bride

Hello.
Whatever merits this piece may have in content is eroded away to nothing by the poor syntax,grammar and symptomatic capitalising of each line in a thwarted attempt at "being poetic". That's the hard line.
A more kindly critique would point out that centralising is pretty but pointless and the splitting of lines in to a form which makes the rhyme scheme XAXA XBXB is bizarre. Why do it?
On rhyme scheme, as is, the whole thing is painfully forced.
OK,OK. The desire is there. In the round, this is a "little" idea...nothing wrong with that...but if you try to make it more than it is you will pad it. Get a grip on the "essence" and write with precision, remembering all the while that you must inform the reader. As it stands, there is no "interest" because nothing hooks the attention. It is a homogeneous diatribe which actually asks more questions than it answers.
Nuff said in novice. Welcome.
Best,
tectak

Sorry it insulted ur definition of poetry in such ways. Thanks for the input though.

From the rules of this forum:
Post here if:
- you are prepared to accept advice and suggestions to edit your poem
- you intend to spend time commenting -- in as much detail as you are able -- on the posts of other members
- you have left at least one piece of feedback on someone elses poem for every poem you post


You are welcome to post in Misc if you have no intention of editing.
Thread closed.

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Thread closed