My Fear

[Stateofmind]

The main problem is taking so many lines to state the obvious. There's no clue as to why,
no tragic flaw mentioned. And yes, a poem doesn't need to explain. But if it doesn't,
it needs to supply a more detailed description of his suffering. Some images of the man,
a description of his thoughts. Without this, it's a skeleton.
Ray

That's just the point. There is no explanation. No tragic flaw. It's my biggest fear. Growing old alone. .. with no good reason for it. A man with so much love to give. Who wants a family so badly. ... being cursed to be alone. For no good reason other than that life is simply unfair.

That's a reasonable goal. I guess I'd modify my crit to say:
"a more accessible portrayal of his suffering". Include some personal details,
some specific incident(s)? The descriptions are far away, viewed too
clinically. The connection between the reader and the man needs to
be strengthened; to be felt rather than described. Some positive lines
might be introduced to heighten the despair...
ray

Wow... that was good. I'm not sure if I could do that though. Using positivity to stress despair! That takes more skill than I posses lol

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I think what Ray is saying is that the poem should move the reader to that same fear, like a good horror film... This poem doesn't elicit emotion as it sits. If your trying to elicit fear, maybe the sing song affect of rhyming isn't appropriate, or maybe you could break the rhyme at a culminating moment...

Well... kinda both fear and despair. My own fear... but not in horror movie type of fear. . A fear of a very real possibility. Which would then bring on despair. Maybe I'll do better next time. Thanks for trying to clarify