10-10-2015, 08:45 PM
I agree that your piece would be more effective if you forfeited the rhyme in exchange for depth. Nearly ever line is a rhyme/slant rhyme with the previous which creates a sing-songy type flow. Unless you're intentionally trying to clash the rhyme scheme with the subject of the poem, I think you might find it helpful to take out a few rhymes; perhaps try rhyming every other line or something to that effect. All together though, your point comes across pretty concisely. I can definitely see the effort you've put into your work, keep it up.