10-10-2015, 07:09 PM
This would read perfectly well as prose without the line breaks. The idea of the world being that of white men has not been convincingly brought out. The person described seems to be suffering from unemployment and poverty, more than anything else. If racial discrimination has been the cause, it has not been explained, except in your own musings, which may or may not represent the truth. It would have been better if the man himself had narrated how he had been discriminated against, say in matters of employment. Else, you could have cited concrete instances of such racism in your country.
"pronouncing his words
so differently to the point
I struggle to recognize them".
Is 'to the point' really needed? Couldn't we have said:
"pronouncing his words so differently
I struggle to recognize them"?
"He leaves to the streets". Or "He leaves for the streets"?
"As I drink my many beers after work,
I appreciate the comfort, safety, and warmth that surrounds me.
I imagine him trying to sleep in a place void of such
accommodations.."
"a place void of such". Don't you mean "devoid of such"? Moreover, in the last line 'facilities' or 'amenities' would be more appropriate than 'accommodations'.
"I imagine him lying down in the middle of a traffic circle
With nearby addicts aimlessly
roaming the streets.
Sound of cars
rushing anxiously to their destinations
Obliterating my ambiance of silence."
In the last line you say "Obliterating my ambiance of silence". But in the first line you had said that you were imagining 'him' lying in the middle of a traffic circle. By the way, the 'down' after 'lying' doesn't appear to be necessary. How can the rushing cars obliterate your 'ambiance of silence' when it is not you, but he, who is supposed to be lying there? You could have said perhaps "contrasting sharply with the silence that surrounds me".
"One things for sure,
I can’t speak his speech"
Maybe, an apostrophe after the 'g' in 'things' is needed.
"My mother and father raised me how they were raised". Might read better as "My mother and father raised me the way they were raised".
"A black man's world where all CEOs, boss-men, and landlords
speak a language that is not of my own".
Perhaps "a language that is not my own".
"I get up off the couch and towards to the kitchen
and reach for another beer in the fridge".
"and towards to the kitchen"? Or is it "and towards the kitchen"?
"pronouncing his words
so differently to the point
I struggle to recognize them".
Is 'to the point' really needed? Couldn't we have said:
"pronouncing his words so differently
I struggle to recognize them"?
"He leaves to the streets". Or "He leaves for the streets"?
"As I drink my many beers after work,
I appreciate the comfort, safety, and warmth that surrounds me.
I imagine him trying to sleep in a place void of such
accommodations.."
"a place void of such". Don't you mean "devoid of such"? Moreover, in the last line 'facilities' or 'amenities' would be more appropriate than 'accommodations'.
"I imagine him lying down in the middle of a traffic circle
With nearby addicts aimlessly
roaming the streets.
Sound of cars
rushing anxiously to their destinations
Obliterating my ambiance of silence."
In the last line you say "Obliterating my ambiance of silence". But in the first line you had said that you were imagining 'him' lying in the middle of a traffic circle. By the way, the 'down' after 'lying' doesn't appear to be necessary. How can the rushing cars obliterate your 'ambiance of silence' when it is not you, but he, who is supposed to be lying there? You could have said perhaps "contrasting sharply with the silence that surrounds me".
"One things for sure,
I can’t speak his speech"
Maybe, an apostrophe after the 'g' in 'things' is needed.
"My mother and father raised me how they were raised". Might read better as "My mother and father raised me the way they were raised".
"A black man's world where all CEOs, boss-men, and landlords
speak a language that is not of my own".
Perhaps "a language that is not my own".
"I get up off the couch and towards to the kitchen
and reach for another beer in the fridge".
"and towards to the kitchen"? Or is it "and towards the kitchen"?