10-09-2015, 07:04 PM
Hi, elviaje26,
As this is in Novice, you won't be wanting a line by line. Overall, I feel I know what you're trying to say. In poetry, anything goes in subject matter, but this is full of pitfalls. Racism/black/white/homeless/jobless is not to be shunned, but it can be treated empathetically yet tellingly. And without mentioning racism/black/white.
A homeless character and his wants/needs could be described, with the shop assistant reflecting on their various fortunes. You could even have the assistant volunteering to work in a shelter as a result of the encounter.
At the moment, this piece is empty. It's a chopped-up prose account of an exchange, with awkward spaces and line breaks in an effort to simulate poetry. It doesn't work, and hasn't worked for me.
I'd be inclined to concentrate on your story and how to express it - succinctly and every word to count, then form it into a poem with some rhyme, rhythm and metre as you will. There's a plethora of free-verse and chopped-up prose out there masquerading as poetry already. But you're the author, and it must be your choice.
Stick at it, because your subject on this one is interesting.
Thanks for the opportunity to read it.
As this is in Novice, you won't be wanting a line by line. Overall, I feel I know what you're trying to say. In poetry, anything goes in subject matter, but this is full of pitfalls. Racism/black/white/homeless/jobless is not to be shunned, but it can be treated empathetically yet tellingly. And without mentioning racism/black/white.
A homeless character and his wants/needs could be described, with the shop assistant reflecting on their various fortunes. You could even have the assistant volunteering to work in a shelter as a result of the encounter.
At the moment, this piece is empty. It's a chopped-up prose account of an exchange, with awkward spaces and line breaks in an effort to simulate poetry. It doesn't work, and hasn't worked for me.
I'd be inclined to concentrate on your story and how to express it - succinctly and every word to count, then form it into a poem with some rhyme, rhythm and metre as you will. There's a plethora of free-verse and chopped-up prose out there masquerading as poetry already. But you're the author, and it must be your choice.
Stick at it, because your subject on this one is interesting.
Thanks for the opportunity to read it.
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.