10-05-2015, 05:39 PM
Kefta,
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate the thoroughness in your critique, and hope you are enjoying the forums so far.
S.1- I was recently introduced to a concept from reading another poem in the forums, it was abstract nouns. I tried to apply it here with 'boredom' in an effort to bring more effect to bodies and bags, and also to differentiate between those two words as an idea and the idea of boredom itself. I may or may have not applied this correctly, however.
S.2- Ah I see what you mean here. I'll work on an edit and try to merge the ideas left here into stanza three. I also just barely noticed I didn't keep to the line count I intended here..
S.3- I like how you brought up 'mid-search.' I threw that in there in an effort to keep the syllable count. As for the rattle, it wasn't meant to describe an auditory rattle, but the physical rattle of the minivan. That said, not sure if I need to reword it still?
S.4- I like this recommendation, still debating but I'm thinking I'm gonna run with it.
S.5- Hm, the only thing I can think of is "his body is the little glass bits", enjamb 'bits' and take 'up' out of the next line to keep the syllable count I intended to keep to. Not sure if that sounds right though.
S.6- the reiteration of 'man' is intentional here, to be honest.
S.7- I had trouble with this part too, I can see how it comes wordy. I'll work on it in the next edit.
S.8- I was trying to put as much power as possible in the two words "He's dead", I can see how I may have tried a little too hard there.
S.9- Noted. I'll definitely work this into the next edit.
S.10- the first time I referred to him by the 'boy' was the 'bloody boy' in stanza six with the introduction of the 'running man.' Does referring to him simply as the 'boy' or changing the adjective in front of 'boy' (bloody/screaming) bring confusion to who I'm referring to?
S.11- I intended to portray death in the 'peaceful light', not the regaining of consciousness. For him to close his eyes on the helicopter, and open his eyes to his family in a hospital bed implies he'd been unconscious for some time. I may need to reword this, however.
S.12- I felt this too. I'm thinking I may need to introduce a 13th stanza in the edit..
Thank you again for the crit, bout as constructive as it gets. I'll work on an edit, thanks for reading.
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate the thoroughness in your critique, and hope you are enjoying the forums so far.
S.1- I was recently introduced to a concept from reading another poem in the forums, it was abstract nouns. I tried to apply it here with 'boredom' in an effort to bring more effect to bodies and bags, and also to differentiate between those two words as an idea and the idea of boredom itself. I may or may have not applied this correctly, however.
S.2- Ah I see what you mean here. I'll work on an edit and try to merge the ideas left here into stanza three. I also just barely noticed I didn't keep to the line count I intended here..
S.3- I like how you brought up 'mid-search.' I threw that in there in an effort to keep the syllable count. As for the rattle, it wasn't meant to describe an auditory rattle, but the physical rattle of the minivan. That said, not sure if I need to reword it still?
S.4- I like this recommendation, still debating but I'm thinking I'm gonna run with it.
S.5- Hm, the only thing I can think of is "his body is the little glass bits", enjamb 'bits' and take 'up' out of the next line to keep the syllable count I intended to keep to. Not sure if that sounds right though.
S.6- the reiteration of 'man' is intentional here, to be honest.
S.7- I had trouble with this part too, I can see how it comes wordy. I'll work on it in the next edit.
S.8- I was trying to put as much power as possible in the two words "He's dead", I can see how I may have tried a little too hard there.
S.9- Noted. I'll definitely work this into the next edit.
S.10- the first time I referred to him by the 'boy' was the 'bloody boy' in stanza six with the introduction of the 'running man.' Does referring to him simply as the 'boy' or changing the adjective in front of 'boy' (bloody/screaming) bring confusion to who I'm referring to?
S.11- I intended to portray death in the 'peaceful light', not the regaining of consciousness. For him to close his eyes on the helicopter, and open his eyes to his family in a hospital bed implies he'd been unconscious for some time. I may need to reword this, however.
S.12- I felt this too. I'm thinking I may need to introduce a 13th stanza in the edit..
Thank you again for the crit, bout as constructive as it gets. I'll work on an edit, thanks for reading.