10-05-2015, 05:44 AM
For an overview, I like how you split certain lines to read to first word of the following line. I will point out where I thought that was pretty effective.
In section 1, you may want to just end with "packing" (or storing) bodies and bags. This alludes to the end of your poem in a neat way (body bags) and eliminates boredom which is an odd word in the list because you aren't really packing boredom. You're preparing for boredom.
In section 2, it presents ideas that I don't think are flushed out in the poem: the brother-brother dialectic telling you to fetch, forgotten toys (forgotten joys), or why he enjoys hiding from his parents. If you could combine this section with section 3 then I think that would eliminate some of the ambiguity unless that's what you're going for.
In section 3, this is a great use of splitting lines when you say "action" in the first line. You don't need to mention that your character is in "mid-search" as it is clear what he's doing in the lines before. Instead of describing the rattle to "present" itself, you could say "tears his calm" or something a little bit more accurate than a noise presenting itself.
In section 4, another good example of splitting your lines. "Commences. Father's scream." would make more sense rather than saying two actions occurring at once with "Commences. Father screams." The way I wrote it juxtaposes your fathers scream as a something that begins as result of something starting. But this is just kind of a stylistic choice.
In section 5, I'm pretty sure there's a word missing here "his body the little glass bits." Maybe "becomes"
In section 6, you may want to just describe the man as an "angel." Otherwise you will have used "man" a lot in that section.
In section 7, I think your narration is a little too wordy. You could concisely say what you want by starting the section with "who screams in agony from his wounds. His brother, silence. No motion..."
In Section 8, "He's dead." Words will never again
have an effect on the screaming
boy like this." I think this line should be altered to change the absolute "never" to something more reasonable. I assume hearing the words "he's dead" would still have an effect in the future. Whether he is screaming or not in the future is not a question I think you want audiences thinking about.
In section 9, I think if you elaborate on his emotions or curiosities when witnessing lifelessness in his brother, that might make this section a little more impactful.
In section 10, when you say "the boy" it is a bit confusing because you were describing him as "he" and "his" through the whole poem.
In section 11, "Darkness transforms into peaceful
light. Yet his eyes open, to his
surprise. He sees his godmother" The "yet" implies a contradiction between the light he saw after the darkness. I imagine the light would be effect of regaining consciousness.
In section 12, you last line is a good way to end but I think you could play around with the idea of the true joy of action figures: make believe or pretending.
In section 1, you may want to just end with "packing" (or storing) bodies and bags. This alludes to the end of your poem in a neat way (body bags) and eliminates boredom which is an odd word in the list because you aren't really packing boredom. You're preparing for boredom.
In section 2, it presents ideas that I don't think are flushed out in the poem: the brother-brother dialectic telling you to fetch, forgotten toys (forgotten joys), or why he enjoys hiding from his parents. If you could combine this section with section 3 then I think that would eliminate some of the ambiguity unless that's what you're going for.
In section 3, this is a great use of splitting lines when you say "action" in the first line. You don't need to mention that your character is in "mid-search" as it is clear what he's doing in the lines before. Instead of describing the rattle to "present" itself, you could say "tears his calm" or something a little bit more accurate than a noise presenting itself.
In section 4, another good example of splitting your lines. "Commences. Father's scream." would make more sense rather than saying two actions occurring at once with "Commences. Father screams." The way I wrote it juxtaposes your fathers scream as a something that begins as result of something starting. But this is just kind of a stylistic choice.
In section 5, I'm pretty sure there's a word missing here "his body the little glass bits." Maybe "becomes"
In section 6, you may want to just describe the man as an "angel." Otherwise you will have used "man" a lot in that section.
In section 7, I think your narration is a little too wordy. You could concisely say what you want by starting the section with "who screams in agony from his wounds. His brother, silence. No motion..."
In Section 8, "He's dead." Words will never again
have an effect on the screaming
boy like this." I think this line should be altered to change the absolute "never" to something more reasonable. I assume hearing the words "he's dead" would still have an effect in the future. Whether he is screaming or not in the future is not a question I think you want audiences thinking about.
In section 9, I think if you elaborate on his emotions or curiosities when witnessing lifelessness in his brother, that might make this section a little more impactful.
In section 10, when you say "the boy" it is a bit confusing because you were describing him as "he" and "his" through the whole poem.
In section 11, "Darkness transforms into peaceful
light. Yet his eyes open, to his
surprise. He sees his godmother" The "yet" implies a contradiction between the light he saw after the darkness. I imagine the light would be effect of regaining consciousness.
In section 12, you last line is a good way to end but I think you could play around with the idea of the true joy of action figures: make believe or pretending.