September

[Alexearth]

The season finally slumps-
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches,
and fade away
on a warm brass note.

I really prefer the original form. This way seems like it's trying to draw it out and make it seem bigger than it is. This is a nice picture. Like a freeze frame of a short, beautiful, but otherwise inconsequential moment. I don't like slumps. It's a curt sort of word that is hard for me to recover from in the smooth comfortable wording of the rest of the piece. "and fade away on a warm brass note." is by far my favorite. I can practically hear the music. "behind the pane" is another portion I dislike. I just don't feel like it adds anything and that distracts from what does.

Thanks for your comment Skadragon. I like your idea about "slump", I must say I like the fact that it is a word dropping that implements right away the idea of the poem.
In "and fade away on a warm brass note." what do you think of warm? I'm stuck looking for an adjective of warmth contrasting with the idea of exhaustion and nostalgia, and better than the word "warmth"..

Thanks again,


Alex