10-03-2015, 05:50 PM
(08-22-2015, 07:32 PM)Misanthrope Wrote: Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do?
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?
Revision in progress:
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams and fantasies, the life you could’ve had?
Would you change the way you left that day now knowing what you do?
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two?
Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?
To be honest half way into the poem i felt jolted. It seemed to jump not gracefully into being locked in jail for not stealing. I feel like the line " Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?" needs some work in terms of a smoother transition that is less confusing. The first two lines seemed to flow smoothly and rhythmically much more than the rest of the lines.