10-02-2015, 12:48 PM
I think what Rowens was trying to say was that you could of used far less simple adjectives; especially in describing the painting.
I personally love the two opening lines, but for different reasons then you might be trying achieve with them. The rhyme is very Atmosphere-esque, I could imagine Slug rapping this poem.
But take for instance the first line of the second stanza.
Webby waves of blue, gold and gray
Its a nice image, but the color words come off as weak. For example you could have used:
Webby waves of azure, gilded ash(or slate, if you want to keep rhyme)
Or something to that effect. Just swap out a couple simple words and your poem might have a completely different effect on the reader. A good read nonetheless.
I personally love the two opening lines, but for different reasons then you might be trying achieve with them. The rhyme is very Atmosphere-esque, I could imagine Slug rapping this poem.
But take for instance the first line of the second stanza.
Webby waves of blue, gold and gray
Its a nice image, but the color words come off as weak. For example you could have used:
Webby waves of azure, gilded ash(or slate, if you want to keep rhyme)
Or something to that effect. Just swap out a couple simple words and your poem might have a completely different effect on the reader. A good read nonetheless.