10-02-2015, 10:49 AM
if it's a sonnet it needs the rhyme and meter working on a bit better.
in genral it felt too generic and because of this also felt weaker than i would expect.
while all the right words and phrases are there, there only there as far as the words are there. they give me little but a forced monologue.
while i say the right words and phrase have been used, there's nothing in the poem that speaks top me the reader. the title makes the poem religious not matter what is stated in the poem. i wanted to like it more but struggled to connect with it.
in genral it felt too generic and because of this also felt weaker than i would expect.
while all the right words and phrases are there, there only there as far as the words are there. they give me little but a forced monologue.
while i say the right words and phrase have been used, there's nothing in the poem that speaks top me the reader. the title makes the poem religious not matter what is stated in the poem. i wanted to like it more but struggled to connect with it.
(09-23-2015, 11:54 AM)NobodyNothing Wrote: ...part one.
OUR FATHER
I
Time's evoking memory…once…there at last,
The substance and the movement of a dream
Born of forlorn space, ensuing to contrast
One sentimental moment to redeem
Of a father…enthralled in ecstasy
Beholding but the beauty of the gift,
Itself…only distinct in recognition
Of this relation: responding harmonies.
Free…beyond the obscuring condition,
Unending image, wherewithal of myth,
Nature…awe inspiring composition,
Aesthetically unerring labyrinth...
This…the sweetest sorrow…could never belie
The creation in the remembrance of why.