The Machine

[billy]

on first reading it feels okay but after a few more reads it starts to show a fair bit of wear and tear. it should if possible improve wit each read. while the audio works well enough, it does so because it's audio. [if a slam piece then fine] the text doesn't fair so well.
it starts off as a fairy tale kind of big bad wolf poem and then at the middle changes into a help the mentally disturbed poem. which in and off itself isn't too bad a thing. it just feels like some metaphors are being twisted. the repetition becomes boring to the eye, though maybe not so much to the ears. visually i have a retinal burn of

"you won't"
and
'you could'

it stings the eye and i wonder if you can find another way to add punch enough to force home the points you make.
on the face of it you have lot's of work to do, in reality you basically need to shave the wolf and connect the psychiatry to the story.
the audio version probably needs a lot fewer tweaks to work better. on this point i's suggest pitting audio poetry in misc and just the text here, asone can have a detrimental influence on the other.
i didn't hate it, in fact i liked it at it's core. it just felt like it cast too wide a net

-----the machine

You try for what feels right. / But what feels good? / You are trying. it reads like we're skipping into the middle of something without a safety line

Eyelids

You could close your book and eyes. a suggestion would be be; [you could close them and your books]
Count ten twice.
The flashing lights might stop then— what flash lights, often we need an intro unless something is expected.
then, they might stop. i do like the break on [then]. but have too little info as to why

They won't.

You could run into a field of corn.
You would hear the crisp snap of the leaves shattering upon your advance.
You would smell dust. a suggestion would be [taste] instead of smell
You would get tiny, itchy cuts. the triple use of you would worked the read but no diminishes in strength.
It would feel still and uncomfortable, and so fat i think uncomfortable is a given and possibly redundant
you would be self-conscious because even though [;]running into a corn field seems natural, and maybe even wholesome, 
it isn't done, what isn't?
and the rattling sound betrays you,
and there are corn snakes,
if there are corn snakes. i really like this line, it's that carry on adults use to scare kids shitless

You could stop mid-stride and echo-locate the road fifty feet away.
You could stop mid-stride, and huff and pant, wondering at yourself for this queer election. you have commas, would it hurt to use them as line breaks. it's obvious you want a rushed line but sometimes the build up adds more suspense, i feel like i'm now in fable land and the title has just become a serious anchor that adds nothing but dead weight.
Maybe you are powerful that way.
You could whistle loudly.
You could whistle quietly.
You could be a soundless animal.

You could pretend to be mad in a public place. are there public places in the woods?
You could stare at the thing you're worrying about.
You could masturbate in a gas station bathroom. that sounds like a good though out of character thought,
You could wash off with pink soap.
You could ask permission first and, after hearing no, cause distress by going into the bathroom anyway, for normal reasons. for me this stanza is all filler while i like some of the lines i can't reconcile them to what i perceive the poem to be about. okay he could salivate over or about his food but why have a wank?

You won't.

You could cry out in pain. You could do it whenever you decide it would help.

You won't.

You could refuse to continue to not be on the roof of anything—your car, your house, a crayon rendering of your house.

You could drink water in the shadow you have made.

You won't. 

You could ask irrelevant questions to the pretty girl until she ceases to be joyful. You could hate yourself, then.
You could carry yourself through Minyards as if in no past life were you ever once a slave.
You could practice holding eye contact, 
how to hold an orange, 
how to hold this orange.

You won't. 

You could find someone to love.
You could stop phoning it in
all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time . . .
You could make yourself open to being wounded.

You won't.

Over and over.

You won't. 

You'll continue not to have past lives, or important secrets, or the ability to wink charmingly.
You'll have this life. This one.

And you will try not to blink when they come for you.

It will not matter.

You will blink. 

You are not allowed to say what you are thinking.

[audio:  https://dl.dropbox.com/s/xupfp2p5yc8v7vz...e.m4a?dl=1]