10-02-2015, 01:57 AM
Hi, AndyB.
First off, you've got an atmospheric piece of work. After some research, I realised your subject was Vincent Van Gogh and Starry Night Over the Rhone. And with Americanised spelling (somber), you've chosen the northern English term for the Plough (Big Dipper) i.e. Charles' Wain. All confusing to start.
But on to metre and punctuation: you haven't any (apart from a comma and two possessive apostrophes.) I can get some iambic tetrameter from the last two lines, but that's all. What sort of metre were you aiming for?
Capitalised first lines and no end-stops seem to be a bit passé now. Would you want to read a modern novel in the style of Chaucer? No punctuation means the reader has to do all the work and guess where to pause, where to put emphasis, where to run on... you get it. It detracts significantly from the reading and quite possibly how you want the work to be read and interpreted.
There are other issues which I'm sure will be addressed, but overall you've an idea on which to build.
Thanks for the opportunity to read it.
First off, you've got an atmospheric piece of work. After some research, I realised your subject was Vincent Van Gogh and Starry Night Over the Rhone. And with Americanised spelling (somber), you've chosen the northern English term for the Plough (Big Dipper) i.e. Charles' Wain. All confusing to start.
But on to metre and punctuation: you haven't any (apart from a comma and two possessive apostrophes.) I can get some iambic tetrameter from the last two lines, but that's all. What sort of metre were you aiming for?
Capitalised first lines and no end-stops seem to be a bit passé now. Would you want to read a modern novel in the style of Chaucer? No punctuation means the reader has to do all the work and guess where to pause, where to put emphasis, where to run on... you get it. It detracts significantly from the reading and quite possibly how you want the work to be read and interpreted.
There are other issues which I'm sure will be addressed, but overall you've an idea on which to build.
Thanks for the opportunity to read it.
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.