September

[skadragon]

The season finally slumps-
and in the tender light
behind the pane,
tired glances upon swirling glasses;
couples pretend worlds
from their worn leather couches,
and fade away
on a warm brass note.

I really prefer the original form. This way seems like it's trying to draw it out and make it seem bigger than it is. This is a nice picture. Like a freeze frame of a short, beautiful, but otherwise inconsequential moment. I don't like slumps. It's a curt sort of word that is hard for me to recover from in the smooth comfortable wording of the rest of the piece. "and fade away on a warm brass note." is by far my favorite. I can practically hear the music. "behind the pane" is another portion I dislike. I just don't feel like it adds anything and that distracts from what does.