09-28-2015, 01:11 PM
When we woke,
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light,
kissed the morning with blood,
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,
and found our pulse.
... 24 words in, the entire first stanza and I still don't know where I am or why I might be there. Not one word has been sacrificed that would place me in the matrix of the piece. Not one. So I'm feeling pretty good, right? Not so much.
There are only 65 words in the whole piece, by word 24 I should have been well situated - but, no.
The poem does introduce "we", second word as a matter of fact - "we" is given no other description - would have helped.
"we" however, is busy - "we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light," - I let this one slide at first because I thought it meant we were going somewhere. However that hope did not prove out.
we (implied this time) kissed the morning with blood" Why? Is there significance to this line ? If there is it deserved to be supported, backed up - it was not.
we (again implied) "wrapped our biceps with silver linings," - Ok, I surrender, I have no idea what this line means. Not a clue, nada, zero, zip -
"and found our pulse" - ( good thing you found your pulse because if you can't find it & nobody else can find it then it means you're dead. )
The remainder of the piece follows with ambiguity consistent with its beginning stanza and would leave me repeating verbatim what I have already said.
Matt, your piece depends heavily, almost exclusively, upon description.
Trouble is a reader does not live by description alone no matter how finely done or overdone it may be. You should see to building your next house on a rock, my guess is it will stand a while.
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light,
kissed the morning with blood,
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,
and found our pulse.
... 24 words in, the entire first stanza and I still don't know where I am or why I might be there. Not one word has been sacrificed that would place me in the matrix of the piece. Not one. So I'm feeling pretty good, right? Not so much.
There are only 65 words in the whole piece, by word 24 I should have been well situated - but, no.
The poem does introduce "we", second word as a matter of fact - "we" is given no other description - would have helped.
"we" however, is busy - "we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light," - I let this one slide at first because I thought it meant we were going somewhere. However that hope did not prove out.
we (implied this time) kissed the morning with blood" Why? Is there significance to this line ? If there is it deserved to be supported, backed up - it was not.
we (again implied) "wrapped our biceps with silver linings," - Ok, I surrender, I have no idea what this line means. Not a clue, nada, zero, zip -
"and found our pulse" - ( good thing you found your pulse because if you can't find it & nobody else can find it then it means you're dead. )
The remainder of the piece follows with ambiguity consistent with its beginning stanza and would leave me repeating verbatim what I have already said.
Matt, your piece depends heavily, almost exclusively, upon description.
Trouble is a reader does not live by description alone no matter how finely done or overdone it may be. You should see to building your next house on a rock, my guess is it will stand a while.