09-27-2015, 08:07 AM
Very interesting and cool! Love the image- makes you wonder what's next.
My one suggestion would be in:
The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
"Would be icy" and "exhaustion runs rampant" don't quite seem to agree. Maybe it's conveying a different effect? Not sure. I think "exhaustion would run rampant" might help, but it's up to you!
My one suggestion would be in:
The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
"Would be icy" and "exhaustion runs rampant" don't quite seem to agree. Maybe it's conveying a different effect? Not sure. I think "exhaustion would run rampant" might help, but it's up to you!