September

[Alexearth]

This didn't work for me. No punch is why. Shortform poetry of any kind needs punch, snap, crackle, to do the job it is asked to do. For the demands of shortform you have to think Bruce Lee. This piece begins with the "slumps" and ends with a "fade away on a warm brass note" and between these two the terrain offers no spark, shows no teeth - nothing but "tender light", "tired glances", "worn leather couches", & "pretend worlds" -

I read the other responses here and they are telling - there was so little of excitement or fire in your piece that most of the talk revolves around the line breaks used -

This is what you want ?

Dear 3zu, thanks for your comment. 
In this short poem I wanted to translate through a scene the smooth yet tired transition from summer to September, so a smooth poem, without any "punch". Starting all used up and finishing into oblivion. It's about the feeling, not being shocking and confusing.