09-24-2015, 03:20 PM
Ok,sure, but don't forget I'm not your very caring girlfriend & you literally begged for it - & away we go > > >
Cut Me an Atmosphere - I threw trail on your piece and could find nothing that connected back to the title - looked everywhere, perhaps I missed it?
the camera-shy knife ... why camera shy? there is no explanation in the piece itself - it gets worse, "does not bleach the canvas" ok, what canvas? I'm supposed to rely on speculation to "get it"? What I do get is that we are 9 words into the poem and all they have done for me is raise questions & left me hanging where I looked for enjoyment or to be excited about where we might be going. Too much to ask, ya think?
Now, going downhill to the next (inevitable) catastrophe - "It shrieks like the handicapped sky," - lets look at this, your first line says the knife is camera-shy and one short line later you have the knife shrieking - I don't know how you count that but it does not sound like a behavior in keeping with shyness -
"the handicapped sky" - handicapped as in horse racing or handicapped as in crippled ? World of difference between the two & you give no clue as to which is which. Much thanks for that.
Do this reader a favor and cut me a break.
No need to go further. The rest of your piece is just like what has already been covered. You are consistent at least. No need to mention the space station coming out of nowhere nor the thing you did with that egg - (shudder) - your conclusion is, "It's all grown so bland" - do you wonder why that is? Do you or have you ever wondered about the power of words? How the power of one word connects to the power of the word next to it so that together they both are raised up? Then all the words next to them are raised up on & on - the word "infinity" comes to mind,no?
Now that's exciting, and never ever grows bland. I promise.
Cut Me an Atmosphere - I threw trail on your piece and could find nothing that connected back to the title - looked everywhere, perhaps I missed it?
the camera-shy knife ... why camera shy? there is no explanation in the piece itself - it gets worse, "does not bleach the canvas" ok, what canvas? I'm supposed to rely on speculation to "get it"? What I do get is that we are 9 words into the poem and all they have done for me is raise questions & left me hanging where I looked for enjoyment or to be excited about where we might be going. Too much to ask, ya think?
Now, going downhill to the next (inevitable) catastrophe - "It shrieks like the handicapped sky," - lets look at this, your first line says the knife is camera-shy and one short line later you have the knife shrieking - I don't know how you count that but it does not sound like a behavior in keeping with shyness -
"the handicapped sky" - handicapped as in horse racing or handicapped as in crippled ? World of difference between the two & you give no clue as to which is which. Much thanks for that.
Do this reader a favor and cut me a break.
No need to go further. The rest of your piece is just like what has already been covered. You are consistent at least. No need to mention the space station coming out of nowhere nor the thing you did with that egg - (shudder) - your conclusion is, "It's all grown so bland" - do you wonder why that is? Do you or have you ever wondered about the power of words? How the power of one word connects to the power of the word next to it so that together they both are raised up? Then all the words next to them are raised up on & on - the word "infinity" comes to mind,no?
Now that's exciting, and never ever grows bland. I promise.