< a window on whose other side is everything >

[rayheinrich]

the pic has a look of obama

i didn't think

                         and as you say
                               you say this i
                               i feel your breath
                               so close
                               i feel your breath
                               so warm
                               you say:

add enough as a stanza though it doesn't kill the poem; i see the journal as the window, a window within a window. it has a spiritual feel to it though not enough to complicate the main picture i see. i see a window through the journal into the window of someone's mind, or thought process. the window also feels like an explanation, maybe of adulthood, or what it's like to not be a child. the carry-on repeats work well in dragging the reader into the piece. it gives the reader [me]the impression  they are part of the window and the journal. i'd struggle to do a line by line because of the style of the thing. each line/phrase runs into the next and even gets carried on a few phrases down. to change anything would probably destroy the heart of the poem and possibly smash the window. the poem takes me back to some secret i had as a child. it has a childish ambiguity woven through each line. i liked it a lot.

    Damn, you're SO right. It not only interrupts the flow, it's really not in keeping with the
    predominantly dissociative core of the poem.

    I just ripped it out. Thanks.
    ray


    P.S. I never thought my sister looked like Pres. Obama; but yes, now that you mention it, she does.
    Maybe she has a shot at the presidency? Though probably not as she's a bit too hippy-left-wing
    for the main-stream and her documented use of drugs strongly parallels mine.

    P.P.S. billy said: "feels like an explanation, maybe of adulthood, or what it's like to not be a child" ... "some secret i had as a child. it has a childish ambiguity" ...
    Yes, the poem's metaphor works well with those interpretations. I think it's because they are quite similar to the world (mine) that inspired < a visit to the park >