Mums Gone - Edit 1

[tomoffing]

Thanks Keith, appreciate your time.
I've struggled to release this one for some time because I was unconvinced on several elements, two of which you have nailed. Namely, the ambiguous identity of the character in S1, and the general clutter in S2. A frank cirt to confirm those reservations is just what was needed.

Time to be less protective of the memory me thinks.

thanks again,
t

Hi Tomoffing I enjoyed the poem and it is obviously close to you but since you put it in serious I thought it ok to give serious feedback. I particularly like how the mums gone feature more than once and is mapped by different smells and images, I think it needs more clarity as to who is saying or doing what, but in general it is a worthy piece well balanced across the senses

Your fingers dipped and disappeared 
to produce two 20p's from your worn plum purse. 
"Go quick! Get something while Mum's gone!" The sonics in the first two lines are good but they would fit better after this line as your opener
Seat-belts unbuckled we scuttled good sound and image
into Blacks Newsagents, emerging 
with a hoard of tart, emerald, apple Frosties odd choices but interesting, could work harder
to share with you. Not sure who you is, I assumed dad but it's not clear
We three sat then, in sweet hush, I would drop sweet hush and swap round sat then just focus on the pirate spoils
sucking the spoils like gleeful pirates, nice image playfull and childlike
and sat still, tight-lipped 
through the scolding; I guess from mum but not clear
all the closer for taking it together. Lads and dads maybe ? But again not clear who is in the image

The sharp-sugary giveaway scent of that day
mingled with Gordon's and Channel and hinted to me
of your presence for years thereafter. Like this stanza, like that they hint it reads as though you believe she was there and I like the mystery in that.

until it was lost this sound off not sure what but I would have another look here
to lavender and ageing orange,
the evening I was led, one of the cousins,
down to where you lay to say hello. 
My hand clutched gently in vanishing light 
at the sudden onset of mid-winter night,
you asked of my behaviour, school, sports and such.
I relayed comings and goings; neither of us 
focused on the comings too much.
When time for a younger hello
I stood to go, hugged and said I'd see you soon. 
Stupidly. "Not as soon as I'd like." you replied,
words and embrace wavering 
from the strain in your back 
broken in the attack of the wretched man
who wrenched your purse from you;
eighty cents, a tattered tube of Frosties,
the last of your resilience. This stanza needs to be cut back to bring out a clear message to me you have too many things to say and you need to focus on what is important, what you want the reader to take away

It was incense when next I saw you,
inclined and elevated atop yourself
smiling irreverently 
on the elegant and black-clad snuffling past.sad but well described the internal rhymes work well in this stanza
I was glad only the adults travelled
to have you burned and scattered.
You’d never have acknowledged
that journey really mattered. Well put and a good insight for the reader.

Hope some of my comments are helpful I'm sure others will join in, good luck work shopping this one it is very real and a lovely tribute, well worth the time to get it how you want it. Best keith