Coming of Age, Again (Give an Inch) edit #4.1

[ellajam]

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex? maybe this perspective shift is a little out of place. It's nitpicking, but it stood out to me compared to the rest of the poem written in third person, and here the single apparently of a narrator
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a monthly rinse that did the trick.
Ten years flew by until she knew
her tresses, still dark brown and thick,
betrayed the truth as laugh lines grew.
New love in hand she faced herself:
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced new curiosity. this is by far the weakest line in the poem.. It falls flat when it is compared to the rest of the poem
Now silver streaks reveal the trade: love the ending
her innocence for halo's shade.



Overall I'm a fan of the poem. It tells an interesting story, and the last two lines are satisfying.  I agree that the title needs work.. I don't understand the tie in to the poem.

give an inch follows by please makes me think about the ole just the tip jokes about penises.... But I'm sure that's not what you meant

I can't thank you enough, Q, your read brings up new points. Overall the response to L3 has been positive, an aside that worked for most. I'll certainly take a fresh look at it. I've been passing on L12 as fine but I think I agree with you, I'll try to say it in a more interesting way.

I appreciate your confidence in the couplet, I'll let it sit a bit. The title suited the edit before this one more (though I was going more for Give em an inch they'll take a mile ), I agree it doesn't really work here. I could go back to Silver and Gold but I'm meh on that one too. hhmmmm

So, thank you for your time, I'll try to put your critique to good use.