Murder Scene

[shemthepenman]

hello,

Murder Scene - title says exactly what it does on the tin.

I heard the scream as it leapt for me. - this is an interesting line, it reminds me of bacon and the idea that the scream plugs itself into the nervous system becoming a binary system of sensation. having said that, i think it is already too wordy. i would cut it to something like 'her scream leapt at me / like a jaguar from her gullet...' furthermore, i would prefer a mouth screaming than a gullet, though i appreciate this is representative, so...
The jaguar from the gullet of a young - see above.
woman leapt at me in leopard skin with a tan - this all adds up to a very complicated image, and i don't think it works other than to add a layer of confusion. sometimes imagery can be too thick and it feels like a struggle to wade through it. sometimes it is worth the wade... sometimes, as i think in this instance, it is not. in which case i would cut the whole leopard skin and tan forest business, and move on.
forest behind it.  I did not hear the knife
as it parted her breast bone from her body. - oh my, things have taken a graphic turn for the worst. is this like torture porn poetry? also, i don't see it. the breast bone seems like a very awkward bone to specifically part from a body. i first mistakenly read it as '...her breast from her body' which though just as grim, had a logical physics to it that made sense.
I did not see the lifeless limping of the - lifeless limping...? make up your mind, is it lifeless or limping? but lifeless smile is cliche, and 'i did not see the murder's limpiing smile' is a bit shit. think about revision.
murderer's smile.  I only heard the scream. - is this repetition needed? i don't think so.
I longed to hear that vile exoticism again, - this is the point at which you're losing me. it is beyond my comprehension and nothing thus far has made me want to go after it. just one thing, 'vile exorcism' sounds better, more interesting; it calls back to the scream as foreign body escaping... etc.
an ecstasy of fear and anguish released - skip!
unto the night like a loveless man releases - unto is archaic. just jars and sounds amateurish.
his loveless seed into his gaunt tissues. - this is a bit erotic fiction sounding... i.e. a bit lazy and embarrassing to read.
I longed to feel that throbbing scream - em... again, see above.
below my parted hands, and to draw blood - i feel like i am missing something. are you will graham? or just a loony?
down between my palms.  Like a painter
I'd carve my victims nicely, with a smile
or a crescent on their back.  I would not
be evil as I parted their body from its 
woes of living.  I would be their God,
their emancipator.  I remember the scream so - as a reader, i have really lost all interest at this stage. i mean, the idea of murder being emancipation from 'the bodies woes of living' [an awful phrase by the way - a better one: from the thousand natural shocks the flesh is heir to... but, if memory serves, that one's been used before] is all a bit hokey and twee.
fondly, and the breast bone I gnawed on. - this last gnawing on a breast bone is a powerful image, and nicely wraps everything up.

in closing, i like sensation based poems, yet, this one doesn't hit the mark, as far as i am concerned; it may be a personal taste thing, but i don't find revelling in torture and murder that interesting - it all sounds too romantic. i would prefer a splash of humour [no matter how dark] or something like the banality of evil. also, the apologist ending makes matters worse. having said that, i am reading it flat, as it were, and maybe missing some underlying meaning or message or reference or whatnot.