Never Reaching the End

[shemthepenman]

hello,

I heard she grew up to marry
a short glass of white milk kind of guy, - nice line. gives us a little hint of bitterness.
but back then she was in my arms:
pink tulip skin, edible nipples - em... 'edible nipples', i don't think it fits. the image is rather brutal. however, i do kinda like the way it sounds like Oedipal nipples, not that it has any relevance.
She would rub her curls against my neck,
slurp small beads of sweat from my nose - oh dear, that sounds disgusting. :/ i would suggest exchanging this line for something a little less, slurp-sweat-nose orientated - i just think this poem is more romantic than pornographic, and as such i am not sure bodily fluids are appropriate. a fuck poem, on the other hand, let the bodily fluids flow, 's what i say!

When words failed us,
we spoke only in vowels:

ahhh, you
ohhh, you - nice little bit... one small thing, personally i could do without the 'only'.


The Moody Blues had nothing
we never heard before - ok, so i don't know anything about the moody blues. i just had to google them quickly to check if i knew any of their songs... nights in white satin, i have obviously heard, but, that's about it. in which case ii am probably missing a lot. also, there are a lot of negatives going on in these two lines.

fanks for sharin. i likes it.