Glide Comes Before The Fall (title change, edit #1)

[ellajam]

Hi Ella, although I didn't critique the original I like the changes you've made. Mishap of a perfectionist... I enjoy accounts of little flubs like these.

Glide Comes Before The Fall edit #1 (Cidermaid, Brownlie, Grace, Wjames, John)


So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp
I climb onto my wooden perch;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each cap confetti on the crowd.

I set my sights across the span
with spine aligned and shoulders squared. I like the assonance in this line.
I find my center, set a smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.
A suggestion for this stanza: a semicolon at the end of the first line, then replace the period of the second kine with a comma. The way you have it works for me, but just thought I'd throw that out there.

A boy(,) whose mother thinks he's sweet(,)
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief sparks his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack Begin this line with 'and'.
to prick his souvenir balloon. To puncture his souvenir balloon, maybe?

The pop rings out, its sharp report
a bullet through the fragile spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step, Aaah, the suspense is killing me, will you fall or stay aloft??!!
I spread my wings but catch no air. I love the way you ended it.




Original
Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Thanks so much, peace, for reading and your excellent punctuation suggestions. I'm going to think first but I'm pretty sure I'll edit them in. Much appreciated.