09-12-2015, 06:44 AM
Hi Peacejazzspirit,
Thank you for sharing this poem about the rejuvenation a thunderstorm can bring. [b]The first few lines I had to read a few times before I understood this was about rain and thunder, but I get the impression it is also a metaphor for an emotional thunderstorm. I think there are some redundancies in your poem that could be removed to make it more concise. I have some suggestions in line below.[/b]
Rev. #2: Blessing in Disguise I think this title throws the reader off and does not describe what the reader is about to encounter. I though that your first title was more accurate.
Crying tears of joy, Crying tears is redundant, you could simply say Tears of joy
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out, Redundant, booming implies noise
loud roars of freedom and victory Roars implies loud
reverberating from sky to ground. Good audio imagery
Round and revolving, the mosaic of earth is cleansed, Revolving implies round
rinsed, bathed, Cleansed, rinsed, and bathed are redundancies, the calmness of the words separated by commas works well here, but perhaps different words would be more appropriate
swathed by the clouds. Nice imagery
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky.
Thank you for sharing this poem about the rejuvenation a thunderstorm can bring. [b]The first few lines I had to read a few times before I understood this was about rain and thunder, but I get the impression it is also a metaphor for an emotional thunderstorm. I think there are some redundancies in your poem that could be removed to make it more concise. I have some suggestions in line below.[/b]
Rev. #2: Blessing in Disguise I think this title throws the reader off and does not describe what the reader is about to encounter. I though that your first title was more accurate.
Crying tears of joy, Crying tears is redundant, you could simply say Tears of joy
noise of booming laughter and cheers ring out, Redundant, booming implies noise
loud roars of freedom and victory Roars implies loud
reverberating from sky to ground. Good audio imagery
Round and revolving, the mosaic of earth is cleansed, Revolving implies round
rinsed, bathed, Cleansed, rinsed, and bathed are redundancies, the calmness of the words separated by commas works well here, but perhaps different words would be more appropriate
swathed by the clouds. Nice imagery
Oust, for a day, the parching sun!
Thunderstorms are gifts, you see:
rejuvenation for all canopied by the sky.