09-11-2015, 05:05 AM
Thank you for your considered feedback mate. You definitely give some good insight.
You are now the second person to complain about the line "The trees wave their black roots"
I am considering bolstering the imagery by using a bit of your suggestion.
"Outside,
The upturned trees wave their black roots
Mourning their miscarried fruits
Choked six feet deep
In the rich dirt"
Does the imagery clear itself up here?
About what you said regarding surrealist poetry; I didnt set out to write a poem that would be described as textbook "surrealist."
What I wanted to evoke was the surreal and dangerous nature of life, and how the infirmary gave the patients a momentary respite before obliteration.
So while not writing an exact surrealist poem, I did want an element of the surreal to permeate the poem.
The poem was inspired actually, somewhat obliquely, by the novel "A farewell to arms" by Ernest Hemingway. In particular this quote from the novel:
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."
There is a fatalistic yet sincerely romantic nature to it that enthralled me.
Once again, thanks for the feedback. You really put some thought into critiquing my poem and I appreciate it.
You are now the second person to complain about the line "The trees wave their black roots"
I am considering bolstering the imagery by using a bit of your suggestion.
"Outside,
The upturned trees wave their black roots
Mourning their miscarried fruits
Choked six feet deep
In the rich dirt"
Does the imagery clear itself up here?
About what you said regarding surrealist poetry; I didnt set out to write a poem that would be described as textbook "surrealist."
What I wanted to evoke was the surreal and dangerous nature of life, and how the infirmary gave the patients a momentary respite before obliteration.
So while not writing an exact surrealist poem, I did want an element of the surreal to permeate the poem.
The poem was inspired actually, somewhat obliquely, by the novel "A farewell to arms" by Ernest Hemingway. In particular this quote from the novel:
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."
There is a fatalistic yet sincerely romantic nature to it that enthralled me.
Once again, thanks for the feedback. You really put some thought into critiquing my poem and I appreciate it.