The world breaks everyone

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again muse-

I'll clarify. I very much LOVE the image of the "black roots" waving, I just don't know if it's the correct image for this particular poem.

I certainly did interpret that the "worms" were eating at the patients, too, and that's why I commented on life being unforgiving (at times).

I did not get a sense of the infirmary as a "last stop" for the patients. A temporary stop, YES.

What I saw was a miscarried baby; trauma of the mother; and desperation of the patients. This is where I need more info on St James infirmary. If it's not supplied from the poem, I must break my train of thought to look it up.

And I did look it up, which in fact does put me more in line with your intent. That said, the impact of the first read was dulled by my lack of knowledge of the place where the action was happening.

Adding more of a description of St James would help, BUT it may, unfortunately, defuse the poem, as well. Perhaps not being so specific about the place would help. Somehow I get the feeling that it not going to happen because you (the writer) may have a connection to this place that is the basis for your poem.

That's about as good as I can 'splain myself, muse.

... Mark

Hello muse,
I am currently in a "critique phase" were I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:

The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead

Outside,
       The trees waved their black roots"waved" ??  maybe "dug in"
       Mourned their miscarried fruits
       Choked six feet deep
       In the rich dirt.

We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...

Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through.  The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer).  Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart

... Mark

Your initial impression is not far off at all Mark. And Im glad you think this poem has potential. 

As for the roots being "dug in" as opposed to waving.

I was actually going for a very particular image and line of thought. I imagined the infirmary as a final and temporary refuge for the patients from life or the "outside." 
As you said- life is not forgiving. The "outside" is characterized by a sense of wrongness and destruction; by a nightmarish surreal quality. Thus we have trees waving their black roots. The implication is that the trees have been uprooted with their roots waving in the air and the fruits "miscarried" and buried in the ground.

And eventually in the infirmary the patients are uprooted too. The worms get to them.

Does this make sense to you? Or do you still feel upon reading the poem that an alternate line or image should be used?


Thanks for taking the time to read and review the poem, Mark. Much appreciated.