The world breaks everyone

[musesbydaylight]

Hello muse,
I am currently in a "critique phase" where I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:

The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead

Outside,
       The trees waved their black roots"waved" ??  maybe "dug in"
       Mourned their miscarried fruits
       Choked six feet deep
       In the rich dirt.

We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...

Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through.  The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer).  Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart

... Mark

Your initial impression is not far off at all Mark. And Im glad you think this poem has potential. 

As for the roots being "dug in" as opposed to waving.

I was actually going for a very particular image and line of thought. I imagined the infirmary as a final and temporary refuge for the patients from life or the "outside." 
As you said- life is not forgiving. The "outside" is characterized by a sense of wrongness and destruction; by a nightmarish surreal quality. Thus we have trees waving their black roots. The implication is that the trees have been uprooted with their roots waving in the air and the fruits "miscarried" and buried in the ground.

And eventually in the infirmary the patients are uprooted too. The worms get to them.

Does this make sense to you? Or do you still feel upon reading the poem that an alternate line or image should be used?


Thanks for taking the time to read and review the poem, Mark. Much appreciated.