09-10-2015, 10:51 PM
Hello muse,
I am currently in a "critique phase" where I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:
The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...
I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead
Outside,
The trees waved their black roots"waved" ?? maybe "dug in"
Mourned their miscarried fruits
Choked six feet deep
In the rich dirt.
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...
Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through. The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer). Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart
... Mark
I am currently in a "critique phase" where I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:
The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...
I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead
Outside,
The trees waved their black roots"waved" ?? maybe "dug in"
Mourned their miscarried fruits
Choked six feet deep
In the rich dirt.
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...
Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through. The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer). Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart
... Mark