09-09-2015, 11:29 PM
All right let me get to it:
When we woke, (Seeing as your poem is called Morning, I think this is a good way to start the poem. Simple alliteration. Also there seems a good contrast between the routine of waking up in the morning and the post-apocalyptic portents in the rest of the poem)
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light, (As much as I like the term "tangerine light" which particularly meshes well with kissing a morning with blood, I cannot say that I like these two lines. They are too obscure and contrast badly with the other lines of the poem where an immediate meaning is more clear. They seem vaguely empowering particularly when combined with the line "wrapped our biceps with silver linings" but I feel you can do better than these two lines.)
kissed the morning with blood,
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,
and found our pulse. ( I like this line and the one above. It seems to me to communicate some sort of hope. I feel like they are wrapping silver linings about their arms like gauntlets and in doing so have found a "pulse" a reason to go on.)
The sky was covered in ash—
thick gray blankets
that fell like snow
and crumbled in our hands. ( Cliched imagery. Written nicely enough. But feels too familiar)
A cardinal sat outside the bedroom window, (Does this refer to the bird "Cardinal?" If so I like these last lines very much. It shows the perseverance of life in the face of death)
unaware of death cackling with clenched teeth,
and searched for something to eat in the fog.
I think this piece has potential. When I first read it the accessibility of the imagery seemed to carry it through. But on closer reading I feel like the imagery doesnt hold up. It is either too familiar or too obscure.
But I do think this piece has potential. The basic idea (as I saw it and I hope I'm not wrong) of hope in a hopeless place definitely has power. And the final lines are in my opinion very good.
Best of luck with the writing!
When we woke, (Seeing as your poem is called Morning, I think this is a good way to start the poem. Simple alliteration. Also there seems a good contrast between the routine of waking up in the morning and the post-apocalyptic portents in the rest of the poem)
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light, (As much as I like the term "tangerine light" which particularly meshes well with kissing a morning with blood, I cannot say that I like these two lines. They are too obscure and contrast badly with the other lines of the poem where an immediate meaning is more clear. They seem vaguely empowering particularly when combined with the line "wrapped our biceps with silver linings" but I feel you can do better than these two lines.)
kissed the morning with blood,
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,
and found our pulse. ( I like this line and the one above. It seems to me to communicate some sort of hope. I feel like they are wrapping silver linings about their arms like gauntlets and in doing so have found a "pulse" a reason to go on.)
The sky was covered in ash—
thick gray blankets
that fell like snow
and crumbled in our hands. ( Cliched imagery. Written nicely enough. But feels too familiar)
A cardinal sat outside the bedroom window, (Does this refer to the bird "Cardinal?" If so I like these last lines very much. It shows the perseverance of life in the face of death)
unaware of death cackling with clenched teeth,
and searched for something to eat in the fog.
I think this piece has potential. When I first read it the accessibility of the imagery seemed to carry it through. But on closer reading I feel like the imagery doesnt hold up. It is either too familiar or too obscure.
But I do think this piece has potential. The basic idea (as I saw it and I hope I'm not wrong) of hope in a hopeless place definitely has power. And the final lines are in my opinion very good.
Best of luck with the writing!