09-05-2015, 02:31 AM
"When we woke,
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light,
kissed the morning with blood,
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,
and found our pulse.
The sky was covered in ash—
thick gray blankets
that fell like snow
and crumbled in our hands.
A cardinal sat outside the bedroom window,
unaware of death cackling with clenched teeth,
and searched for something to eat in the fog."
I love the expression "tangerine light" in L2. Writing about sunshine in poetry is so easily cliched, but you did a great job avoiding that. You turned it into something different and fresh. Good job. L3 is very intriguing, caught my attention as a reader right away. The contrast between sweetness with a kiss and gore with blood is nicely don here. I think in L4 you could find something else besides silver linings to say. That borders on cliche and you came in so strong with the first few sentences that it took me out of it a bit. I think the second stanza feels a bit repetitive. The imagery of an ashen sky would already allude to snow, so L8 feels a little obvious. Nice use of alliteration in L11. I would have liked to see the sentences in the last stanza be a bit more economic to match the rhythm of the rest of the poem, but that may just be a personal preference for format.
we wrapped ourselves in tangerine light,
kissed the morning with blood,
wrapped our biceps with silver linings,
and found our pulse.
The sky was covered in ash—
thick gray blankets
that fell like snow
and crumbled in our hands.
A cardinal sat outside the bedroom window,
unaware of death cackling with clenched teeth,
and searched for something to eat in the fog."
I love the expression "tangerine light" in L2. Writing about sunshine in poetry is so easily cliched, but you did a great job avoiding that. You turned it into something different and fresh. Good job. L3 is very intriguing, caught my attention as a reader right away. The contrast between sweetness with a kiss and gore with blood is nicely don here. I think in L4 you could find something else besides silver linings to say. That borders on cliche and you came in so strong with the first few sentences that it took me out of it a bit. I think the second stanza feels a bit repetitive. The imagery of an ashen sky would already allude to snow, so L8 feels a little obvious. Nice use of alliteration in L11. I would have liked to see the sentences in the last stanza be a bit more economic to match the rhythm of the rest of the poem, but that may just be a personal preference for format.