09-02-2015, 01:02 PM
(08-23-2015, 09:23 AM)BrokenSoul
Hi BS - you've started well, with your edit. I've put a few more comments on the lines. Generally, try to get rid of filler words that aren't doing a job.
Revision #1
The light begins to fade,
shrouded in[s' Wrote: a [/s]mist of deception. Mist is a good image, and carries a message. I don't think you need 'deception'.
Faint shadows are all that remain.
The fire that once warmed me
now bathes another with its glow (or 'glows on another, something like that?)
as darkness falls around me.
Perhaps the light was never truly mine.
A phantom guiding me along a path with no end. (endless path?) This line feels a bit wordy.
Where do I go from here? I'm not sure about the ending. I like the question, and the uncertainty about who is being addressed, but it's almost a cliche, so I'm not convinced.
I seek comfort in the shadows
where I cannot be seen.
But truth can be seen...and felt. I don't think you need this stanza at all. Maybe the first line of it could go back into the preceding stanza, before the question.