Blue Lady 3

[tectak]

This is the original. I am still working on editing 1,2 and this one. As usual, any feedback is appreciated. I know that it is too rhymey and Hairy MacLearyish. I am working to remedy this.
Some obvious nits, velve. In text. In the end, it just became to much. Forgive me. You need to consider making every word count. Keep the imagery clear and describe what you see in your mind's eye...then read the whole thing out loud to a stranger in a bus queue. If he moves away rewrite it...unless the bus comes before you finish it.
Best,
tectak
Blue Lady 3


The shepherd’s nose twitches high in the air. Hard to imagine. How high is this nose?
It smells so familiar but there’s nothing here. My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Terrible...tarahhh! No to this if only because noses smell...and also because the last word COULD be "there".
Bounding down, through the blades, You are a rhyme whore. This is a double-forced rhyme. Change both line end words to avoid this disaster. eg "Bounding along through grass thick with scent,
                                                                snuffling and sniffing; dogmatic intent." Your poem.
nose to the ground as sunlight fades. Boring cliche to boot

Men in red follow the hound We know they are huntsmen so just say so.
to a secret place rarely found. You say the same thing twice. Of course it is a secret if it is rarely found...otherwise we'd all find it and it wouldn't be a secret. Again, you are rhyme-challenged. If you can...do. If you cannot....er...try harder
Hooks and knives lay oddly strewn Why "oddly"? Tell me how. I cannot imagine what an "oddly strewn" collection of hooks and knives look like....nor can I imagine what on earth they are for. Will you tell me? We shall see.
with rod and sack, and unseen tomb. This is becoming cringeworthy but I admire your persistence. Kindly meant, maybe rhyming is not your thing.
The hound found a scent down quite low Read this. Just WHAT does it mean? The bloody hound has his nose as low as it can go without ploughing a furrow.
Where the boy once stood, just three days ago. What boy? You use the definite article but I have not been introduced. A boy.

The men hike down to where soft
grass gives way to jagged rocks.
A shouting searcher by the bay
covers his mouth, turns and groans.
But others see him; they know what’s there
some feel sorrow, others fear. You have given up and so might your reader. This is a hotch-potch and near criminal use of grammar and syntax. I am afraid that this stanza needs a rewrite. It is work in progress, I know, but you CAN do it.

The lady took him to her bed
then spat him out all ripped and red.
The day’s run out, they need to haste
and bag what’s left, his life erased. Ditto last stanza. What lady? Who are "they"? How far did the day run? Whose life? You do not say. This is a massive disconnect because YOU know what you are seeing in your head but you are not telling the reader.

At home the dust is swept from the photo box
where his memories are seen through wailing eyes. A wailing eye? I do not think so...even if I think with both legs
A mourning mother’s mourning tear Awful....I mean, really awful. Contrived beyond reason for the next nonsensical line. No to this
a mourning father’s morning beer.

The men in red leave blue lady’s breast.
They gather the boy and leave the rest.
She watches, quietly musing
she wants to take one of her choosing.

Calmly stalking from her bay
She wants to take one but not today.
“Respect the lady” she hears some flack
as man in red shouts, “Watch your back!” Speechless. Sorry. Very sorry.