09-01-2015, 09:47 AM
Hello Broken-
Welcome to the NICE (NovICE) area of the Pen.
Good job for a first attempt. Now the learning begins, and never ends.
Where is my light?not a bad way to start
It once burned hot,I think you may have avoided "bright" on purpose, but then wound up stating the obvious: "burned hot" is repetitious. Best to just strike out "hot"
But only flickers remain. weird use of "flickers" which my brain usually reads as a verb. Reading it as a noun causes the stumbles
The love that once warmed me,
Now flows through another. I'd buy it if it was clearer if it's love or warmth that now flows.
Darkness falls. could be put to better use if fleshed out a bt
Anger and despair are my present.Both "anger" and "despair" are abstractions that tell me nothing. This is where readers need to be shown, not told.
My past was a lie.
So what is my truth? fair enough for a leading question, but begs some kind of response
Ignorance is my bliss, way too close to cliche for comfort
But that is a facade.
Truth can be seen...and felt.Not sure how you got to this line from the previous. Feels like a line is missing ahead of this one. Once again, you really need to flesh it out.
There are many missing pieces to this poem, and it's your job to figure out what is missing. As the reader, I feel like you just did not offer me enough concrete to stand on. Sorta like walking on a sidewalk with a lot of large cracks in it.
Read this piece aloud to yourself, and you may get a better feel for meter. As is, it reads as very choppy.
Also, if you take out the arbitrary line breaks and write this as prose, you may notice where details are needed.
"Where is my light? It once burned hot, but only flickers remain. The love that once warmed me, now flows through another. Darkness falls. Anger and despair are my present. My past was a lie. So what is my truth? Ignorance is my bliss, but that is a facade. Truth can be seen...and felt."
Don't want to be too picky, but you'll also notice that every line should not start with a CAPITAL letter.
Still- very nice try for a first try. Seriously.
... Mark
Welcome to the NICE (NovICE) area of the Pen.
Good job for a first attempt. Now the learning begins, and never ends.
Where is my light?not a bad way to start
It once burned hot,I think you may have avoided "bright" on purpose, but then wound up stating the obvious: "burned hot" is repetitious. Best to just strike out "hot"
But only flickers remain. weird use of "flickers" which my brain usually reads as a verb. Reading it as a noun causes the stumbles
The love that once warmed me,
Now flows through another. I'd buy it if it was clearer if it's love or warmth that now flows.
Darkness falls. could be put to better use if fleshed out a bt
Anger and despair are my present.Both "anger" and "despair" are abstractions that tell me nothing. This is where readers need to be shown, not told.
My past was a lie.
So what is my truth? fair enough for a leading question, but begs some kind of response
Ignorance is my bliss, way too close to cliche for comfort
But that is a facade.
Truth can be seen...and felt.Not sure how you got to this line from the previous. Feels like a line is missing ahead of this one. Once again, you really need to flesh it out.
There are many missing pieces to this poem, and it's your job to figure out what is missing. As the reader, I feel like you just did not offer me enough concrete to stand on. Sorta like walking on a sidewalk with a lot of large cracks in it.
Read this piece aloud to yourself, and you may get a better feel for meter. As is, it reads as very choppy.
Also, if you take out the arbitrary line breaks and write this as prose, you may notice where details are needed.
"Where is my light? It once burned hot, but only flickers remain. The love that once warmed me, now flows through another. Darkness falls. Anger and despair are my present. My past was a lie. So what is my truth? Ignorance is my bliss, but that is a facade. Truth can be seen...and felt."
Don't want to be too picky, but you'll also notice that every line should not start with a CAPITAL letter.
Still- very nice try for a first try. Seriously.
... Mark