08-31-2015, 06:04 PM
A pleasurable piece to read. I agree with Princess C about the indent being a nice touch. I interpret it as the person drifting away from where one should be or perhaps wants to be.
There is a viral video out there of a preliminary/bond court hearing in Florida where the judge recognizes an inmate as an old middle-school classmate. One that she (the judge) characterized as the best in school at the time. I imagine the inmate felt a measure of surreal-ness in the context of a fairytale in those immediate moments following recognizing the judge. Brutal thoughts of woulda/coulda/shoulda...etc. That is what came to mind upon reading/reflecting on your poem.
As far as the piece itself goes...the order of two lines stuck out as a bit off. From a chronological standpoint...I feel like those words (probably regrettable ones) that were 'overheard' would precede having 'left that day'. Thus it seems more logical for the person to ask first about the words used and then about having left.
There is a viral video out there of a preliminary/bond court hearing in Florida where the judge recognizes an inmate as an old middle-school classmate. One that she (the judge) characterized as the best in school at the time. I imagine the inmate felt a measure of surreal-ness in the context of a fairytale in those immediate moments following recognizing the judge. Brutal thoughts of woulda/coulda/shoulda...etc. That is what came to mind upon reading/reflecting on your poem.
As far as the piece itself goes...the order of two lines stuck out as a bit off. From a chronological standpoint...I feel like those words (probably regrettable ones) that were 'overheard' would precede having 'left that day'. Thus it seems more logical for the person to ask first about the words used and then about having left.
(08-22-2015, 07:32 PM)Misanthrope Wrote: Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairy-tales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns and boats with paper sails?
Do you miss the same old stupid game you used to pay with dad?
Do you miss the dreams that died it seems the life you could’ve had?
Would you change the way you left that day knowing, then, what you do? <--- Consider moving this line down one.
Would you change the words they overheard knowing there’s no take two? <--- Consider moving this line up one.
Would you change the life of made-up strife that now is all too real?
Would you change the choice and used your voice not thinking you should steal?
Do you miss the times of silly rhymes and charming fairytales?
Do you miss the fun of plastic guns now that you’re locked in jail?